The Quiet Hours: Coping with Anniversaries, Holidays, and Significant Dates
For us in Australia the weather is warming and the sun is lighting the sky for longer, this is a sign of the Christmas holidays fast approaching.
For myself and my family this is a significant time of year, as it marks the anniversary of my grandmothers death, an event for me that is now fundamentally woven into Christmas.
Coping with holidays is already a complex undertaking, throwing in a death anniversary can often add an extra element of fragility. This is why I thought what better time then now, to talk about managing anniversaries and significant dates in the wake of a loss.
My grandmother died in hospital from complications post a routine procedure, on the same day as our small towns local Christmas pageant. I have clear memories of those moments, I remember what side of the road we were on, I remember not fully processing the event and the feeling of disappointment that I had to leave the pageant, I remember moving through the crowd and the moments gathered at one of my aunts house as we all processed what had happened. So you could say for a while the Christmas holidays came with a lot of mixed emotions.
Things to Remember:
Take things slowly. Some years, some holidays will be easier than other. Sometimes after multiple years of feeling able to manage these days, we breakdown and it feels like being back at square one. This is okay, we are allowed to feel overwhelmed by our grief years after. It is normal, so take things slow. When things begin to feel overwhelming, remind yourself to stop, observe and breath.
Make new memories that honour your loved one and memorialise them. For my family Christmas always been a time for togetherness and is still something we emphasis today. For me it was a particularly proud moment when I became an adult and could start contributing to the holiday cooking. This has made me feel a lot more connected to my grandmother and is one of the many ways I stay connected with my family.
Acknowledge that pain and joy can exist at the same time. For me this has been making it essential that my Christmas tree goes up on the day of the Adelaide Christmas pageant and I have decorations up not matter what. It’s important for me to still get enjoyment out of the holiday season as I know that what she would want me to be doing. For you this could be making sure that you show up or participate in holiday activities(easter egg hunts, gifting trees, dinners, concerts, ect), even if they are small.
Communicate your needs and boundaries. Often during these times we are going to feel a little out of sorts, so it can be important to communicate this to those around us. Sometimes we may need a little more grace, we might need more time to do things because our mind is busy/ its occupied with the task of remembrance. We might need to step back from some responsibilities for a short period to allow us to time to take care of our selves, or we might not be as available to assist others with their needs. Its important these things are identified and communicated to minimise fractures or unnecessary tension in our relationships.
I hope this post could be of some use for you all during this holiday period and into the future. If you feel comfortable to share, I would love to hear in the comments below about ways you have managed to keep yourself a float during the holidays.
If you are exploring therapy and would like to talk a little more, schedule a consultation to see if we’re a good fit. I am more than happy to answer questions and even assist in providing resources were able.
Until Next Time, Be Gentle!
-Tsedeye
